Sometimes we avoid painful truths and hide behind “but I love him/her” or “he/she loves me” as a reason to stay in a relationship that is just not working.
We cling on to the hope of changes we yearn. We want the other person to grow at a pace they are not willing to or are unable to.
We make excuses for unacceptable behaviour, become enablers and even get stuck in a vicious and toxic cycles within an abusive relationship where we don’t see a way out. (In which case it is really important to reach out for help and support to figure things out the best way for you)
We think we stay because we “love each other” even though the very word “love” has lost meaning and it is so hard to take a step back and see things for what they are.
Is love enough to work things out and make it through? If both parties are willing to put in the work, individually and as a couple then yes of course it is. If you are both willing to grow, admit where you have failed, neglected or damaged the relationship and make full effort to work on it that is when love is definitely enough. It will help you come out the other side of a bad patch successfully.
Sometimes love isn’t enough and these are my “whens” (yours might be different and I would love your thoughts in the comments below). It is important to identify when love isn’t enough for you because the consequence of loosing yourself is far more devastating than loosing someone you think loves you.
1. When you don’t feel loved
Love is not simply a declaration of feelings. It needs to be followed by action. Everyone expresses love in unique ways and feels loved in different ways.
The important thing is that there is constant effort in showing love so that there isn’t a total absence of it. Every relationship has its ups and downs and rough patches, they are something that when two people consciously work towards improving and repairing can have beautiful outcomes.
However, when you just don’t feel loved and you have tried expressing it, really worked on it, sought help for it and the situation isn’t improving it is not enough to stay because they say they love you and offer empty promises and hopes.
2. You compromise yourself
Every relationship requires some level of compromise to work. the small things to enable a harmonious companiounship to flourish.
But this should never entail compromising yourself, your core values, boundaries or beliefs.
Catering to someone else’s unrealistic demands or requests leads you onto the dangerous path of becoming someone you don’t recognise.
3. You feel unhappy and don’t feel joy.
I am not talking about the occasional down day or because your hormones are all over the place.
When your relationship becomes the source of your unhappiness and a black hole for your joy then that is a problem.
When you love someone you want them to be happy. You support them in doing things that bring them joy.
If doing things that make you happy result in conflict and arguments or give you anxiety because of the outcome, that is not ok. That is not healthy.
If as a result you stop doing the things that make you smile and laugh and bring you joy to cater to someone else and appease them then love is not enough!
4. You enjoy your own company more.
If you dread being alone with your partner. The silences are not comfortable. You avoid each other in the same house. If you no longer do things together and you live separate lives then you are need to re-evaluate what love means for you, and if this situation lives up to it.
If you are more yourself with others, laugh more, talk more and have more fun then maybe something needs to be addressed. If you look forward to being alone more than spending time with the person you “love” (and we’re not talking occasionally here) is love enough?
5. You are scared.
Sometimes you avoid what is in front of you because you are scared of change, scared to hurt someone or scared to find out (or hear the truth) that they don’t love you anymore.
Being scared of the unknown or scared of the repercussions of leaving can keep you trapped in a situation that has no room for growth or improvement.
You may waste days, months or even years simply because it is easier and more comfortable to be in a familiar situation regardless of how damaging it may be simply because the challenges of change can be overwhelming.
Time is precious and you might be holding onto pain longer than you need to. It delays your healing and doesn’t allow room for true happiness and peace within yourself and your life.
Grieving lost time by staying in a situation for longer than you needed to simply because you refused to see what it was trying to teach you is always difficult to heal from.
Never let fear hold you back. You are special and your life and time is valuable.
I believe every person comes into your life for a purpose. They come as a blessing or a test to teach you something and help you grow.
Every relationship requires hard work, commitment, communication and effort from both parties in order to make it work. But never at the expense of your peace, happiness or mental wellbeing.
If you get to a point when you have done all you can and you know in your heart of hearts it will just not work then you have to decide to do what is best for you.
Really ask yourself is love enough to continue living like this for years to come?
Please remember this does not apply to abusive or toxic relationships in which case please seek out professional help and support.
respect. love. heal always
Brown Girl N xxx